Ow is all I have to say. Wow. I did Hip Hop Yoga on Friday at a yoga studio up the street and wowzers I am still feeling it. It's like regular yoga, but in a heated studio to hip hop music. It's more about just flowing with the music and just going at your own pace, listening to your body. Now, I've only done yoga a couple times before and let me tell you, this was INTENSE. It was an hour long and an amazing workout. I will definitely be doing that again this Friday night - but this time I will take a hot bath afterward! I liked the class as well because it wasn't all new age and spiritual. I don't like that about yoga, just want to go and do my thing and not feel the universe and all that :) I just cannot get into meditation and all that other stuff - my mind wanders and I think about a million other things instead.

Anyhow, was a great class :) I am also doing Baby Bootcamp now, which is pretty good too. The second class (last Tuesday) was much more challenging than the first. Unfortunately, Jackson was Mr. Cranky the first two classes so hopefully tomorrow goes better! He just gets fussy ... but it is nap time, so can't blame the dude too much there! So nice to be active again, I really missed it while I was pregnant and then healing from the C-Section. Feels normal, feels like 'me' :)

Not much else going on, think my brother & nephews are coming to visit on Wednesday afternoon. I would love to see the boys, my brother - not so much. Such a jerk in so many ways and is playing the pity card now that his wife left him. Hello? How could you have been blindsided by this? None of us were. Act like an ass for long enough and it will cost you. And, none of us have ANY sympathy for him, I mean how can we? It's really hard when he brought this on himself. Maybe he will learn from this experience and end up a better person - one can hope right?

I need my hair done badly. I definitely need the ends & layers cleaned up. I want to keep the length but need to add more style to it. Not sure what though, will have to browse some magazines or online galleries. Maybe colour it (if it is safe to do so when breastfeeding).

Been keeping really busy lately with strollercise, bootcamp and lots of playdates with a mom meet-up group I found online. It's been really nice to meet other moms my age with small children. Gets me out of the house and gives me a chance to meet some new friends and gives J some social interaction with other babies.

Gah - four months before I am due back at work. Bleh. We've been looking at home daycares. Another bleh. I want to stay home and I probably could, but I want to work enough so that when we have baby #2, I can qualify for maternity pay again. Then who knows, be nice to work just part-time and spend most my time with the kids. The thought of leaving Jackson for an extended period of time is very overwhelming. I am away from him for a couple hours and I get anxious, cannot imagine spending an entire day away from him. Ah, he's too cute - makes it that much harder to think of :)

Okay, probably should go to bed. I'm pretty tired. Going to just do a couple things around the house first and then read for a bit before I pass out. I just finished reading The Summoning & The Awakening (I think the author is Kelley Anderson ... cannot remember off the top of my head) and now I am reading the Vampire Diaries. It's okay, but the editing is AWFUL. Right away I found errors and they are very noticeable. Sloppy work IMO and irritating. No where near as good as Twilight.

Niters!

Oh, this is my first post in many, many, many (insert many more 'many's') weeks! I wanted to get back into things, and my BFF came up with a wonderful idea of creating a list of topics that would help inspire more postings amongst her friends. Including moi :) While I have much to post about my current life and what has been happening, I love the idea of the list so I shall begin posting again with ideas from that!

One of the topics was 'Things That Scare You' (number #11). I chose to go with this one because last night I had a horrible dream, it was just one of those dreams where I wake up and I am terrified. It was like the air was thick with fear. I have only had that feeling a few other times in my life, so it really freaked me out. I almost woke up Chris. The dream was all random things, but something about it really was haunting. Anyhow, it inspired me to go with #11 from The List :) 

There are a few things that scare me - some are just silly things like spiders. But there are a couple things that really scare me to my core. One of those is flying.

Why? I have no idea. I use to LOVE flying. I think it was after the fire sometime (when I was 19, my house caught on fire - while I was still sleeping) that it started to bother me. No idea because there is no relation between the two. I'm not afraid of being burned alive or anything. I just keep expecting the plane to drop out beneath me. Like I said, no idea why! But it really really scares me. To the point I need medication and I still cry. I will still fly - it doesn't stop me, but it is a fear I would like to get over at some point.

Fire scares me - which is pretty expected since I was in a fire. I was not afraid running through the fire, but looking back now it was quite terrifying. The worst part was the fear my mom was dead. My father got her out thank goodness, but I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life.

My greatest fear - one that has rocked me to my core since my son was born, is the fear of being separated from him. Either something happening to me, or something happening to him. Now I LOVE LOVE LOVE my family and friends dearly, but the one person I know I simply would want to curl up and die without is my son. Even thinking of being taken from him (or vice versa) makes me all teary eyed & choked up. I can't bear the thought of not being a witness to his amazing little life. He is such a wonder to me. So that is definitely my greatest fear, it really really scares me.

I guess that is something every mom is bound to be scared of. I think I could handle and face anything else that scares me - just not that one.

More of The List to come :)

Ah I hate Mondays :) Anyone who does the 9-5 thing probably would agree with me! I find work more and more challenging as of late, only because I just do not feel like being here at all. I'm tired and my allergies are KILLING ME. I was so sick yesterday and I cannot really do anything much to alleviate them. I can take Reactine, but not on a regular basis and taking it once will not help me out much. I also want to avoid all things like this when preggers, better safe than sorry. But some days they are just so bad! I could barely open my eyes yesterday and was so congested. The sneezing is unreal too! It makes me tired too, which is a real drag because I already tire easily as is!

I did however start a registry on Saturday at Babies r Us, so that was fun :) I need to finish it, but I got lots of time to finalize that. We decided to look at the Graco Deco style for the baby instead of the Zen collection. Still chocolate brown and earthy and it's really cute. Plus, it's available in Canada so it lessens the grief of having to return something to the States if we do not like the product. The reviews are pretty great too on the line.  I also got the cutest baby outfits!! I could NOT resist omg. I got a little cowboy hat - it's sooooo adorable. I also got some sleepers and a couple pairs of pants for the baby. Plus a swaddle blanket & sleeping sack. I cannot wait to meet this little guy :) I've been reading lots and have asked Chris to stop at Chapters on the way home tonight to pick up another book I heard good things about. Trying to learn what I can :)

The floor peeps should be coming in the next couple of weeks to finish the floors. We have chosen engineer wood for the living room, dining room, master bedroom and basement. It is a really nice natural looking wood and should go well with most of our furniture. I did not want anything dark as it shows foot prints, marks, etc. and with a new baby on the way...the less I need to worry about that stuff, the better! For the stairs and hallways we have gone with a nice spice cake colour - it's like a light brownish colour. It looks nice with the wood and seems pretty neutral so when we paint, we have options in regards to the colours we want. I did choose a darker brown for the baby's room though - it's called Chocolate Chip :) It's just a little darker than Spice and should look nice with all the furniture we have chosen & the wall mural we are ordering. The furniture is coming from Sears for the baby's room, we picked out a nice Oak stain. I just am waiting to order it until after the carpets & paining is done, as Sears tends to deliver VERY quickly and I don't want it around until I'm ready to set it up. The bathrooms are going to be Fibre Floor and we just choose the same pattern for all three bathrooms. I didn't honestly care and let Chris decide. It's a very neutral colour too - kind of beige if I recall correctly. Same with the kitchen - Fibre Floor and the entrance way is ceramic tile. So LOTS of changes! After the floors are done, we will get Home Depot to come paint :)

I am hoping to have everything done by end of August, so I can take time off in September to set-up the nursery and organize the house. We are just going to finalize each room one at a time. Living room will be first probably - new couch and entertainment unit. This way it's more affordable to do it in small steps :) So by the time the baby comes at least the house will be organized and we can just finish decorating with personal touches as we have time. No biggie to us really! The house will look completely different and new and it's a nice fresh start to a new life with baby :)

So excited!

CIAO

I had my 21 week appointment today and not much to report (which is good!). I got weighed (gained about 4.5 pounds in the last month), they took my blood pressure, we listened to the baby's heart beat (so awesome!) and that's about it! I feel fine, so there wasn't much to chat about. I never have any questions...I keep feeling like I should have a ton, but if anything comes up I just go read about it and figure it out. I'm sure at some point I'll have a lot of questions! Especially once I get closer to the birth part.

So all in all it's good :) Tired today as we went to the movies last night to see Hellboy 2! Today I get to leave at 2:30 as part of summer hours and Chris is going to leave work early too around 3:30, so we are going to meet up and go see Batman :) I want to see Mamma Mia on Sunday too - LOVE LOVE the broadway show and I'm sure I will love the movie too. Already have music from it on my iPod!

Tomorrow we are going to go for a bbq at my parent's place I think and during the day if I feel okay we are going to go to babies r us :) I already registered us online, so we are going to go and begin picking out items for baby. Should be fun :)

Not much else going on...just very very tired. Going to sleep good tonight I hope, last night I was up for a while during the storm. I'm such a light sleeper and it's kind of annoying LOL. I get up to pee enough as it is!

Baby is kicking big time today! If I watch my tummy, I can see it pulse when he kicks. Very weird to see! Hehe, it's alien like!

CIAO :)

LOL is it wrong that I want my baby to be cute to other people? EVERY mother thinks their baby is the cutest thing on earth....but honestly there are some pretty unattractive babies out there and I just don't want people thinking MY baby isn't cute LOL. Is that bad? Someone said it was hehe. I mean no newborn is that cute...they take a while to come into their looks after the delivery (cone head, flat nose, etc), but still. Ah, maybe I'm just being vain :P Hehe

These are the things I think about now! It's crazy! A few months ago I was doing kickboxing and shopping and just thinking about ME. So weird how things change over night now. Right now I'm reading What to Expect in the First Year. It's actually very helpful. Lots of great information on breastfeeding, how to handle the baby, giving the baby a bath, etc. Lots of great practical advice & tips. I have lots of reading to do! We begin prenatal classes in September for five weeks and I am also signing up for a breastfeeding clinic. I was hoping to take a baby care or parenting class, but I cannot find any in Ottawa. I'm going to ask my OBGYN on Friday when I see her!

So much to do and only about 4.5 months! Holy crap it's pretty scary when I say that outloud (so to speak). Insanity!!!!!

Okay, it is totally exhausting being in a wedding most of the time anyhow...but being in one at five months preggers is certainly even more exhausting let me tell you!

I jetted to Brockville after work on Friday and last week was CRAP btw in other ways, so I was already tired and feeling pretty crummy. The ride on the bus to get the train station was awful...it was totally crowded & I had a little suitcase and of course... no one offers a seat. You can most certainly tell I'm preggers..no doubt about it. Anyhow, I was really really stressed out because all of those people pushing me and it was pretty upsetting considering I am trying to protect my belly while holding a suitcase at the same time. But once I got to the train station I was fine :) The train is always nice and relaxing. Once I got to Brockville we had to go straight to the rehearsal & then we did a big BBQ afterwards. After that it was time to try on the dress...

Ah the dress :) Which did not fit LOL. In the last two weeks I have REALLY popped. We could only do it up to my waist! Thankfully, the bride's sister-in-law was doing the alterations and she is amazing. She's so calm about everything and really talented and she was able to take a piece from another girl's shawl (which was huge anyhow and you couldn't tell she removed a small portion after the fact) and put it as a large band on the back of the dress to cover up the bra. So part of my back was showing and it totally looked like it was suppose to be that way. So it fit :) It looked decent too. She used snaps to hold the band in place and every time I sat down it unsnapped LOL. It kept doing it all night at the reception and it got reaaaaaaaally annoying hehe. But I'm glad it worked out for the bride's sake!

Friday night was a late night...went to sleep around 12:30, up and at it again for 7. We had to decorate the hall and run a bunch of errands, then do hair, make-up, get dressed, photos and it was off to the park for the ceremony. It was a VERY long day and I was sooo tired throughout it all. I  didn't let on though as I didn't want anyone to feel bad. The day was gorgeous and the ceremony was beautiful & romantic. It really was a great wedding and the reception was a ton of fun. So overall it was a fabulous time. My hubby needs to chill though - I danced for a few songs and he was completely freaked out. Like it IS safe to dance. I'm not doing back flips LOL. He needs to do some reading so he can see it's perfectly safe. Like I would do ANYTHING that would harm my baby. I'm totally in love with this baby and he is the utmost importance to me obviously! So I was like - CHILL already!

Chris did finally get the feel the baby kick though :) Which was really nice because he had been waiting. This little guy likes to move around a LOT. Going to keep me on my toes I think :)

I'm still pooped. So work has been rough this week. If I didn't have so much going on I would have probably called in sick for a day to rest up. Just sooooo sleepy. My mom is going to come over for an hour tonight. They came to the wedding and she had this HUGE smile on her face the whole time. I figured it was because of the wedding, etc as she really loves the bride...but it was because of my bump and how much its grown since the last time she saw me LOL!! She said she could barely contain herself she was so excited to see the bump! Hehe too cute :) I must say..I love the bump too. Hate how my hips have like doubled in size, but oh well LOL. That will be only temporary!

Okay work time! CIAO!

Yes after many MANY weeks, I am posting again! I haven't felt much like being online, mainly due to the reason that for several weeks I was super sick because I'm preggers! Almost 20 weeks actually :) So exciting....so thought this little blog would be perfect for journaling the next 20 weeks so I can print everything out and put it in my baby book.

I've been wanting a baby for a while now...long before we even started trying. I just felt it was what I was meant to do...that this is a huge reason why I am here on this earth. It's just this overwhelming feeling of need and want...I feel extremely blessed that we are able to have a baby. The first few weeks were very scary, but so worth it. I feel wonderful now - I have my days where I feel extremely tired or my stomach acts up (nothing new there!), but overall I feel good and healthy. I'm getting so excited to meet this little guy! Yes, it looks like it's a boy :) Not 100% (although they NEVER give 100% guarantee), but about 75% sure it's a little boy. I felt all along it was a little boy and honestly, I don't care one way or another. I just want a healthy baby, that's all.  I can't wait to snuggle him and just hang with the little guy. Although it's VERY weird to say I will have a SON. SO weird! At first you get use to the idea of just a baby and now that it's a son...it's freaky again hehe. Very surreal.

Anyhow, I'm so so so happy. I'm definitely nervous and scared...but that's normal and I'll deal with it. I have a great support system and a husband who is over the moon with joy that we are having a baby. This baby will be so loved and oh yes, so spoiled :) I won't be able to resist!

So many things to do and it seems like there is time, but I only have 20 weeks and it's going to fly by. But I'm looking forward to all the stuff we are doing..it's fun stuff. I feel like we have a brand new start coming up - a new life. I know I will miss parts of the 'old' life...but nothing will compare with what is to come. It's going to be amazing :)

Anyhooooow, outside of that life is going on as per usual. Work is insane! It's extra tiring now and that is hard to deal with some days. I'm looking forward to a year off, it's going to be very strange not to be here anymore...but definitely a welcome break :) Chris is going to try to take off most of December so we have lots of bonding time as a family, so that will be a good break for him too. It will allow us time to start getting into the swing of things together. It's reassuring as a first-time mom :) Plus my mom will be moving in for a little bit to help around the house and with the baby. I am NOT going to try to do this on my own - it's way too overwhelming. I welcome her coming to stay with us. It's always nice to have your mom around in times like these! Plus she will be in the delivery room - she really really wants to be and I'm sure I will want her there when it happens.

I'm so scatterbrained lately - I HATE this side effect of pregnancy. It's one of the worst because my sharp mind is gone...for now. I can't wait until it comes back hehe. Plus, when your husband is like this naturally...it's not a good combination. I always joked we would be in trouble when I got pregnant and got "pregnancy brain"...well it's happened and it's not pretty some days hehe. We will manage though :)

I'm off for a little walk over lunch and to grab a salad. I swear all I do is eat. It's insane and I eat EVIL foods. The baby LIKES evil foods! It's unreal...I'm going to be a huge fatty when this is over LOL. But I know I'll get back to my original me afterwards so not really too worried. Still, when you've spent years working out and eating better..it's hard to watch yourself gain so much. I'm getting over this part, but it has been a struggle. The changes to the body are unreal. The one benefit? Boobs :) Seriously - they went up a cup size already. And they grew again this week LOL. I'm like - what am I suppose to do with these things!! Hehe. I love em though LOL. Going to enjoy them while mother nature is lending them to me hehe.

CIAO :)
me & baby p

Ugh I feel miserable for a few reasons and normally I try to stay positive and not let myself get down if it can be helped..but i'm so annoyed...hurt..angry...you name it, i feel it!

I was suppose to have a  nice romantic night away tonight in Montebello. Chris' work place is doing a retreat at a beautiful resort and I have been looking forward to this for months as we found out about it end of November/early December. Well the employees are all going up early to do workshops, etc and then the families are invited later on. Chris was suppose to organize a way up for me and I have been asking for WEEKS if I need to book off time to leave early, who I am going with, etc since a bunch of spouses are going up. And of course being Chris, he obviously didn't put much effort into it because I am NOT going as I have no way there. I was able to go with a friend I know, but she is leaving at 2:30. Chris tells me this yesterday at 4PM when it is impossible to now get time off and he knows this. I am covering for someone this week and that is why I have been asking for weeks if I should ask to leave early, etc.

I guess I'm at fault for trusting him that he would pull through on this. I know he tried somewhat - but if he actually put this as a priority, I would be going. I should have booked time off this afternoon ahead of time knowing full well he probably wouldn't come through.

So I have been looking forward to this AND for god sakes I deserve it and now I am let down, disappointed and heart broken all over again. He ALWAYS does this and I'm sick of being the responsible, thoughtful one in the relationship. I'm so fed up. I know he feels terrible - but you know what? Good - I hope he feels like sh*t the entire time and has a horrible trip. He's at a fabulous hotel (he's been there before for work and said it's amazing), great hotel room, great food and with good people. And I'm sitting here at work feeling depressed and heartbroken. How is that in ANY way right? Somehow I get crapped on AGAIN. I really doubt he's going to be sitting in the hotel room feeling awful all night. He said he won't have fun - yah right. I see him when he gets around work people, he only really thinks about himself. He won't feel THAT bad.

Plus, I have no hotel name, no phone number and his cell is inactive. I have NO way to get a hold of him if something happened - how irresponsible of him. AND this morning he is like "well i have to go now" and I was like "honestly I don't care" - because what does he expect? Me to be all happy and be like have a great time while I'm stuck here and it's all your fault that you ruined our long weekend and getaway???? So he stormed off, didn't say anything else and left the house.

EVERY TIME *HE* screws up, he acts all mad and like the other person is in the wrong. He does this every single time. He treats me like I am the one who messed up and then he gives me the silent treatment, he treats me like crap so that I feel guilty and worse than I already do.

Sorry for the vent, but I am sick to death of that. It's immature, it's selfish and it's pathetic. HE should feel horrible that our weekend is ruined. I had so much planned for this weekend and was so excited and you know what? I'm cancelling it all. He can spend his birthday doing nothing  because why should I go out of my way for him when he didn't do ANYTHING for mine? And after this?

NOT happening. So I cancelled the family supper and said we would do it another time.

I feel sick because I'm so upset and sad. I didn't deserve to be let down like this. I really really had my  heart set on this weekend. This is the FIRST event since he started his new job that spouses have been invited. I barely have met anyone he works with. And MY job has been so stressful and I really really needed this nice romantic break. And I got slapped in the face pretty much...AGAIN.

So fed up that I'm in tears. Glad I work in a corner cubicle. I spent all last night crying too. I feel dreadful.

Q: What's your guilty pleasure?

Second Cup mochas! No doubt about it, that is my biggest guilty pleasure (although it's not really evil, it just is bad bc of all the caffeine!) and my biggest vice! Other than that, I would say One Tree Hill & Gossip Girl :) And possibly chocolate. It use to be pizza, but I am good about that now.